


No.

by Slant



Series: Bureaucrat effect [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Bureaucratic!Shepard, Gen, No Sex, Secrets, good governance, health and safety, private sector
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-23
Updated: 2013-08-15
Packaged: 2017-12-09 07:47:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 4,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/771773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slant/pseuds/Slant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The single most important factor in determining romantic attachment is propinquity, or sociological closeness. As love is broadly celebrated throughout galactic society, a mainstream narrative results (i.e. the celebration of workplace romance) that is partial, misleading and has negative implications for policy. The systems alliance attempts to combat this tendency and the danger of nepotism inherent in it with a complex series of rules on fraternisation that seeks to prevent either inappropriate relationships or the appearance of them from existing between persons with a duty of obedience to each other.</p><p> </p><p>Bureaucratic!Shepard struggles with romance. </p><p> </p><p>(Also, due to Bureaucratic!Shepard's commitment to Best Practice in Diversity and Inclusion, Bureaucratic!Shepard transcends gender, however, since "Sha'ira/Female Shepard" is a linked tag, and "Sha'ira/Shepard" isn't, it is Best Practice for Bureaucratic!Shepard to be Female Shepard for tagging purposes)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sha'ira

Mind-melding Asari sex does not agree with System's Alliance official secrets legislation, and my head is stuffed with 5 year's worth of deniable missions and top secret intelligence. I'm going to need something better than Sha'ira's assurances of confidentiality before we can be intimate. 

"Confidentiality is good..." This is a familiar dance. Telling someone that you have a higher level security clearance than them is a security risk, so those of us who have to discuss official secrets have a little routine we do, in which we subtly hint, first, that we have a clearance level, and then hinting that its a bit higher than we had previously admitted, desperately hoping all the time that we don't admit to having a higher level clearance than anyone else in the room. It's like poker, only you raise people code-word clearances rather than chips or pants.  
"Good, then perhaps it would be best if your friends left the room."  
A familiar dance that Sha'ira does not know any of the moves to. I mentally debate asking her if she knows about BRASS HOOK, the code-word clearance for knowing the secret that BRASS HOOK is the dummy code word for fishing to find out if the person you are talking to knows about code-word clearances, but discard the idea.  
"I'm sorry ma'am, but you've just tripped over an obscure corner of system's alliance culture, which I can not tell you about, but it makes it necessary for me to leave now. I very much doubt that this will be a concern with any future clients, and wish you nothing but the best."


	2. Kaidan

Well, there really is nothing as attractive than a thirty-year old who hasn't got over being bullied at highschool. Experimental. Space Magic. High School, as he _keeps reminding me_.  
"This is what will never happen again. Us." Cutting edge brain surgery and abuse within the school system remain risky and endemic, so there's good odds that Kaiden Alenkos are rolling off the production line as we speak, give or take a bit, and I pride myself on adherence to best practice and a systemic approach; I should be replaceable by anyone who can swallow five ring-binders worth of notes a day and then shoot their way through a platoon or two. Perhaps I'm over analysing his nonsense; there's clearly a more important problem, not just his desire to flout regulations (really how do you get through officer school without coming to the conclusion that asking someone to fraternise with you shows a basic disregard for their mental well being?).  
"The reapers pose a serious health and safety risk; I'm going to ensure that _they_ arn't going to happen again either."


	3. Ashley Williams

She's kind of wonderful really. Watching her and XO Pressly gradually approach Best Practice in Diversity and Inclusion of non-human sapients has been the most positive thing that this mission has made. Not that making legitimate use of force against non-state actors such as Geth, mercenary bands, terrorist groups, rogue black-ops cells, Thresher Maws and other individuals and organisations operating outside the Council Framework on Inter-species Exchange is a bad thing; it is the heart and soul of the social contract, the reason for being of any military force under civilian control. It is, however, nice to make something good rather than only ever terminating threats to the System's Allicance Vision for Galatic Peace and Co-operation (incorporating the 623rd Council Framework on Inter-species Exchange).  
Also, having kid sisters sounds adorable. Maybe I can borrow one or something?  
"You just want to tease me for breaking regs."  
She smiles, maybe a little bravely. As replys that aren't "yes" go, mine was a pretty good one, but its not what she was hoping for.  
"Well, there's that too."  
"Not while I'm making command decisions about you Ash. I can hardly argue that not being with you is a threat to the galactic community to sneak it in under Spectre authorisation."  
She does grin at that. "I'm going to be gutted if it turns out that we could have defeated the Geth by fucking."  
"Like in the old vids where the computer explodes the moment organics do something 'illogical'"


	4. Liara T'Soni

Oh Liara, even I can tell that you're academically brilliant, and you're way more competent on a battlefield than I'd expect (is that what the Asari version of sending the kids to karate lessons after school gets you? Asari commando units have an enviable reputation, and since Asari civilians can apparently keep up with Alliance elite forces it's probably justified), but your bizarre naïveté is showing (how do you murder your mum and get to keep that?).   
"I realise that we have our oddly intimate moments, what with the mind melding and all*, and yes, you are technically a civilian, and outside the Alliance rules on fraternization, and I'm a Specter and outside everyone's rules on everything, but the rules on fraternization still make sense. Imagine I'd been with Kaiden or Ash on Virmire; what decision should I have made? Do I sacrifice my loved one for the mission? Do I let Saren have a Krogon cloning facility to keep someone I care about deeply alive for a few extra years? Regardless of what I do, I and everyone else second-guesses me forever afterwards. You're a wonderful person and I'm deeply flattered, but the basic trait I'd need from a lover right now is a calm acceptance that me sacrificing you for the mission is just something that happens, and I don't think even Wrex would take that philosophically."   
Wrex _would_ take it with calm acceptance**, probably survive whatever bus I threw him under, and then come back and, equally calm, murder me. He'd expect me to do the same to him in turn.

*On joining the Normandy crew, Liara, as with the rest of the civilian contractors had signed the Alliance's official secrets legislation.

**Unless it involved the genophage, of course.


	5. Miranda Lawson

I'm going to give my political officer* the respect of assuming that this ...offer is an attempt to gain a hold over me. Maybe its something deeper; an attempt to pursued me that she needs to establish a hold over me, so that I'll stop asking every doctor I meet to check my head for brain-control implants. In my heart I know its not, in my heart I know its something deeper; her private-sector instinct to see breaking the rules to get things done as a positive thing. She assumes that since there is a military regulation against fraternization, the only reason not to fraternize is because there is a regulation. I let her down with a smile and a lie, because despite what is best for shipboard morale*, the mission and galactic society come first, and they require I continue to receive Cerberus support.  
I might have missed an opportunity to get information out of her about my (hypothetical) mind-control chip. Hell, she might let it slip that I'm a deluded VI, like president Huerta. It would certainly explain my obsession with best practice and systems-of-work. I realise I don't care; something I said to Wrex back in the day comes back to me: he'd complained that I had no passion for the fight, that I had all the spirit of a LOKI, even if I did have the tenacity of a Thresher Maw, and I said that wars would be fought by monsters and madmen until they can be fought by robots. No LOKI ever brutalised the civilian population because of lack of training or oversight. No platoon of robots ever went and slaughtered a village because they were angry. Maybe that's all I am, but if I am, then it for the best, from a civilian safety standpoint. 

*Best practice for interactions with political officers was established in The Hunt for Red October. I have so far been unable to follow its recommendations.


	6. Tali'Zorah vas Normandy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you seriously think that you get to have a _vas Normandy_ in your name and then not do things just because they are impossible?"

“What could I possibly be suggesting? I mean, a young woman gets rescued by a dashing commander who lets her join his crew and then goes off to save the galaxy? How could she possibly develop any kind of interest in him?”  
Well, yes, she makes a good point: I should have seen this coming. I lean back against one of the consoles and fold my legs underneath me, sliding down to sit on the floor of the engineering deck. I know that the migrant fleet doesn't have any issue with what looks to me to be nepotism and inappropriate inter-rank relationships- maybe its impossible to avoid in such a compact society (Quarians are, after all, outnumbered by Londoners), maybe it's because their system of government is so new and has no equivalents to develop best practice in concordance with.  
"I'm sorry Tali, I ... The galaxy needs you as an advocate on the migrant fleet, and the last thing we need is your detractors- you'll have them, you'll have lots of them, everyone who wants to reconquer Ranoch, everyone who wants the only life they've ever known to carry on unchanged - to be able to accuse you of being some sort of sick human-fancier. It'll be bad enough when news of you serving alongside Legion gets out."  
I don't think of it as sacrificing her, or my, happiness for the mission. It doesn't matter. Omnicidal alien robot-gods have altered my priorities. That and the Cerberus-branding on my horrifying, cybernetically-enhanced, robo-genitals.  
She slides down next to me.  
"Keelah, I couldn't do that, I'm too young, they'd never trust me."  
I lean over sideways and headbutt her affectionately, a gesture mostly used by Turians and Krogans that, between a Human and a Quarian, belays the implied racism of my previous statement.  
"There's no one else Tali, and we are not going into the Reaper war without the best starship engineers in the galaxy or the only fleet that can move 17 million people at a time on our side."  
"Did you just came up with that to give me something else to panic about? So I'd panic and I ... I know Shepard."  
"It would have been nice if ... I have to go save the galaxy."  
"Bosh'tet"  
Wait. I've just missed something important. "Dashing" is not a word mentioned in the Alliance Manual of Command. It is not in line with my Earth Alliance Professional Development Plan. The Review of Specter Operations is a much less prescriptive compendium, reporting on the practices of my fellow operatives, but even that publication's reports have little positive to say about swinging from chandlers or the effectiveness of witty repartee in combat environments*.  
  


*Blasto is not the first Hanar Specter. Surfeit of Weeping Trees' infiltration of the Illium opera house was possible only because being a Hanar is considered evidence that one is not a Specter, and did involve swinging from chandlers. That all his reports since that mission have been accompanied by a single dead rose is a matter of some concern among his fellow operatives.


	7. Jack

"I'm not girl's club."  
She's letting me down easy. That's... entirely unnecessary [okay, the look on her face when confronted by my horrifying, cybernetically-enhanced, Cerberus-branded robo-genitals would be something to treasure, but its not really a motivation to sleep with her] but at the same time it's the sweetest most normal act of kindness I've experienced since... Uh... I live a very sad life, surrounded by terrible people.  
"You're letting me down easy? you're a class act Jack. I'll stop coming round and bugging you if you'll tell me about problems before they get to the stage where you murder people with your mind. And no, 'Miranda is breathing' Is not a reason to call me or to rip her legs off."

I know! Chakwas split her ice brandy with me! That's kind of like camaraderie, right?


	8. Garrus Vakarian

Even if I was someone who could have meaningless flings with a co-worker, I don't think I could with Garrus, not after all the things we've done together; stormed identical prefabs scattered across half a hundred worlds, each stuffed with similar looking boxes, invaded 23 bizarrely similar mine systems, also full of crates. And I don't think that he could, or can, either. As his story winds on, it's clear that he had feelings for the scout. His claims that this would be a purely physical encounter to blow off steam are a social lie to give us both a graceful out. Effective communications strategies: Palaven suggests that this should not be considered obfuscation, but rather that communication itself should first be in service to the maintenance of military discipline and the success of the mission, with "truth" and "accuracy" being distinctly lower-priorities. This however is my mission, my relationship and Garrus is not a very good Taurian (He says that. He doesn't seem to have twigged that Wrex is a Krogan warlord who does not pursue war, that Liara is an Assari maiden with a worthwhile job, that Tali is working with Legion or that I don't do human contact so much as pursue beneficial interpersonal communication strategies in order to maximise team effectiveness within the paradigm of diversity and inclusion.) 

"Garrus, neither of us can do that. We both care too much for the other to have a meaningless fling." It's true, despite Garrus' difficulties with important concepts like the right to a fair trial, I do care for him. I will, admittedly, be prouder of him once he's fulfilled the goal of his professional development plan that I think of as "grow out of his rather puerile obsession with 'natural justice'".  
"I ... I know commander."  
"It might have been nice if ... I have to go save the galaxy."


	9. Morinth

Ugh. Join Ms space-vampire in the eternal darkness of the darkly dark crumbling grandeur of doomy darkness. Why am I even thinking about this? Why is anyone thinking about this? The Paladin speaks, cutting off her shpil on the decadent velvet-draped luxury of the night.   
"I think that we can both be grateful that this ended this way. Imagine if you'd grown up and had to come to terms with the nonsense that came out of your mouth."


	10. Thane Krios

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thane Krios attempts to shtup bureaucratic!Shepard.
> 
> [The passing mention of huskporn is dedicated to the wonderful/insane anon on the mass effect kinkmeme who asked for "huskporn with lactation ... no noncon though". I was very impressed because I was not previously aware that husks /could/ consent.]

No, I have relationships with people. Frequently, awful relationships, and, more often than not, with terrible people, but still, people. I have not pursued a romantic attachment for years because of either the terribleness of everyone I know or, of course, the omnicidal alien robot-gods. You, though, you, have, over and over again, explained that you are not a person but a weapon. After the Reapers, the greatest treat to galactic peace isn't the Geth or the Krogan or the Rachni, it's your life-philosophy[1], which feels like it was memeticly engineered from the Nuremberg defence.

How the hell do I explain this to him? Right, he's started calling me "siha" and then getting all smug when my translator glitches. Let's see his translator cope with a tirade in Yiddish and then try to dump the entirety of the cultural baggage associated with it on him. 

"Thane, you have to understand, your life philosophy is literally the most offensive thing that I have ever heard, and I'm human; we _invented_ lactation-fetish huskporn vids[2], and your deeply spiritual form of sleepmurder is still the most harrowing, grotesque, life-denying thing of which I have ever heard... So no, I am not attracted to you." While its entertaining to fantasise about honesty, It seems unlikely that this will lead to any of the growth and opportunity action points on his professional/personal development plan. 

"You sink into the battle sleep too easily, you sank into it despite Irikah, despite Kolyat. You are not monster enough to ask someone to go to bed with you and wake up with your body."  
There, maybe that will push him towards a tick on that box labelled "take personal responsibility."  
He makes some excuse about his disease, but he knows that's not it. Does he want me to say that the problem is is soul? It is. He's a monster and not an honest one like Grunt, or a camouflage predator like Morinth; he's just a horrifying spiritual vacuum. "You know that the problem is not your body."

[1] Alliance intelligence's "Report on emerging threats to galactic peace and cooperation"

[2]Time between first new report of husks to first vid - roughly 1 hour. Sometimes, I wish I didn't know what I was fighting for.


	11. Kelly Chambers

"The moment I met you, I know I could close my eyes, fall back, and you’d be there.”  
I update her personal development plan to include development of her skills for self-motivation, leadership and initiative. We really don't have the resources going spare that my personal aide should be incapable of independent thought. We need everyone on the ship to be formulating plans to bring down the Reapers, even if its just Sergeant Gardner's plan to improve crew moral by improving their living conditions, resulting in across-the-board performance improvements in everyone else, so that their plans to defeat the reapers are handled more effectively. 

...

"Miranda, have you got a moment? It's Kelly Chambers. I need to know what we're getting out of having her on board. I'm assuming that she's family to a rich donor or something? Is this a paid internship for her?"  
"She's not exactly useful at the best of times, but I've been developing her skills for self-motivation, and now she's tried to use them. It was pretty terrible."  
"So you know that I don't really appreciate the fish tank? Tali's rigged it so that you can dump heat into it and I let Gardener put some lobsters in it once*, but its still nearly two tonnes of mass that the drive core shouldn't have to neutralise. Anyhow, at the moment, it contains no fish. No one cares, because I'm never in that room and conscious, and you and EDI don't have time to watch fish in the surveillance feeds."  
"Miranda, she just noticed the tank."  
"Two cubic meters of water, tastefully illuminated and dominating the room, and she just noticed it."  
"Just now, Miranda. Because she hadn't spotted it before. It was too well hidden for her."  
"Miranda, she offered to feed my fish."  
"The fish I don't have, Miranda."  
"She noticed the tank but did not realise that it was empty."  
"Why is she here Miranda? What are we getting out of it?"

* The lobsters were, of course, cared for in accordance with appropriate regulations and the best practice described in Laboratory Leaflet Number 66 (Revised), Storage and care of live lobsters, Centre for Environment, Fisheries and Aquaculture science

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd feel guilty about alleging that Kelly was quite so useless if this didn't happen in game. I felt that her offer to feed non-existent fish in my absence was not in line with best practice in aquaculture.


	12. Jacob Taylor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> commission a team  
> to write a report: skilled  
> investigation
> 
> Just go and find out  
> no forensics, three guys  
> ten million Hectare
> 
> Veetor survives.  
> Sole witness of abduction.  
> Diversity wins.
> 
> Miranda blinded  
> Humanities interests  
> Stronger together

Earlier, Jacob said "When colonies go missing we don't commission a team to write a report to figure out what the hell to do about it. We just go and find out."  
Which is presumably why we are here, three of us with no forensic skills, an abandoned colony capable of housing nearly a million people to investigate and no idea where to start. Maybe if we'd had someone run up a report on what they didn't find on the other colonies? Had a ten-second brainstorming session on what evidence could get left behind? We might have thought to bring along someone who could get answers out of the colony security systems? Maybe a forensics team? I don't know crime scene investigation but I do know that its a skill set that exists. We should totally have brought someone who knows how to do that. What I'm saying is, is that I'm going to have to get my crew a skills and aptitudes assessment before we do another mission, and that until he's completed a course on risk and opportunities analysis, Jacob is not allowed a planning role. 

Man, wandering around this spooky abandoned colony is awesome.

Hooray! Another empty pre-fab. My favourite.

Tali! I love you but your leadership skills are sub-par. We better work on that before you end up admiral or something. 

...

So this mission would have been a complete bust, except Veetor was around and recorded all the data we could possibly want, and wasn't human so he didn't get abducted. I'm totally using this in the "Why value diversity?" section of the shipwide diversity and inclusion seminar later.


	13. Samara

We understand each other in ways that don't really make sense to anyone else. Her Code and my Systems-of-Work are dim reflections of one another, seen through a fun house mirror and darkly. Both of them bind both ways: they bind us up, support us, help us and they are also a bond from which it is difficult, perhaps impossible to extricate oneself. I would argue (and, late at night, sitting together with the majesty of creation hanging silent and still outside the viewport, do argue) that best practice is where you find it, that it should be adopted from wherever it is found, and that policy should be determined from a rigorous assessment of the outcomes. And she, eyes luminous with some emotion so far beyond pain and sorrow and loss that I can not follow argues for the central immutable truths of her Code and what it means to be Asari and a Justicar. 

She owns her choices, makes them with a conviction that awes me. I write "Perfect embodiment of the Justicar code. Further development impossible." on both her personal and professional development plans and close the files.


	14. Steve Cortez

He wants a reason to live. His exhusband did most of my analysis work for me, for which I'm grateful; I do, after all have a war against omnicidal alian robot-gods to prosecute. I get him out of the shuttle bay and into the world whenever I can; I worry that he'll find someone else to latch onto and make his reason for being, which, if was ever a sustainable life-philosophy*, really isn't now, what with the omnicidal alien robot-gods** and the way that they will probably kill whoever your fixation is. Nonetheless, social interactions with other sapients is an impotent mental health need, and I attempt to ensure that he receives it.

Developing a complex range of competing motivations and interests allows one to develop psychological resilience in the face of loss and failure. By definition, this is core to every individual's psychological welfare assessment, and equally, is always the work of a lifetime. Nonetheless I mark his for special attention and short-term support. 

 

*Hint: it wasn't.  
**If my thought processes seem to be a bit monomaniacal, its because _I_ am _trying_ to run a _war_ against _omnicidal alien robot-gods_.


	15. Samantha Traynor

Games night! Games night! That's like a normal human thing! That real people do! That aren't surrounded by the sort of crazy people who think that "Attack by omnicidal alien robot-gods" is a prompt to futz up the VorgV by hitting on their commanding officer! This is awesome!

...

Oh.   
Strategy games night was a cover for the cunning strategy of hitting on your commanding officer during an attack by omnicidal alien robot-gods.

It's cute and all, and it's the sort of thing that you could overlook during a nice safe deployment on a Earth, back before Earth was invaded by omnicidal alien robot-gods.  
"Traynor." I pick up a pawn. "I hate chess metaphors, but since it's right here, I guess you should know that I would sacrifice you, your ludicrously over-engineered toothbrush, everyone on this ship, myself; everyone you have ever met and the complete stranger who stood behind you in the queue to buy cereal last time we were on the citadel for the sake of a big enough part of the current mission." The words tumble from my lips like pebbles, a terse and unemotional recitation of an overlooked fact.   
"I know that you're used to working groundside in friendly territory, but we're in the field now, and no one wants me to make command decisions based on what is least likely to kill my girlfriend."  
She looks a little pale. Maybe I should skip the bit about choosing which potential lover I should feed into the meat grinder this week.  
"Get your field head on soldier. I'll kick your tush all over the Go board next week."


	16. Diana Allers

"Wow. I knew reporters were a gutsy lot, but I'm hellova impressed by what you're willing to do to get the inside story of my horrifying, cyberneticly-enhanced, Cerberus-branded robo-genitals."  
Her expression is amazing, shock gets there first, but Diana is a great reporter, no matter how sarcastically I say she is and no matter how short the dresses her focus-groups make her wear, and glee and disappointment wave across her face inside a second.   
"You just gave me the pull quote for the most popular article I'll never publish." She laughs.  
"I'm sorry, that was unprofessional of both of us. How does this sound: I'll tell you the long rambling story of Normandy inhabitants that have made their interest known that I have subsequently had to make command decisions about which strongly affected their chances of survival, you write it up as some sort of loneliness of command puff piece --- You get an explanation of how it's really not you, it's my existing murder-based relationship with the omnicidal alien robot-gods and a story out of it."   
I smile a bit haphazardly. Tali can count the number of friends I have who don't kill on a professional basis without taking her socks off; I hope Diana will still talk to me afterwards.


	17. James Vega

Slab Punchrock wants guidance on his career development plans. He is trying to talk to me about _appropriate subjects_. He is displaying _professionalism_ and respect for VorgV and everything. I encourage him to join the N7 program; the more officers who aren't interested with sleeping their way up the chain of command the better.


	18. CODA: EDI

"Shepard, I have been monitoring your interactions. I am concerned that you are uncomfortable in your own body due to the description you offered of your 'horrifying, cyberneticly-enhanced, Cerberus-branded robo-genitals.' "  
I make a non-committal noise.   
"It is important to all of us that you do not develop psychological issues, and I would like to do what I can to assist."  
"I am best suited to offer you assurance that your body is perfectly normal, and that you should not feel any emotional disconnection."  
"EDI..."  
"What I am saying is, you show me yours and I will show you mine."

"...That was a joke."


	19. Omake: The wake

"At least you got to meld with them. What was it like?" Tali is very drunk and quarrian doesn't have gendered pronouns. Shepard's wake was that sort of occasion: wild and life affirming and standards compliment. Sex and booze and violence and ISO documentation.   
"There were... lots of forms to fill out. Official secrets legislation, mental health waivers, a contractual obligation to cite her properly if I developed any publishable theories about the Prothians based on what I saw in the meld. You never linked suits?"  
" 'Oh Shepard among my people, it's the greatest expression of trust' " Tali's sarcastic imitation of herself is bitter "And then the Commander's all 'health assessment this, risk minimisation that, best practice in decontamination, health waiver the other.' Shepard even had something on using one of the life pods as a field-expedient clean room."  
"There were lots of forms to fill out?"  
"Exactly."  
"I told Shepard about the way we let the crew blow of steam on Turrian warships. I thought the commander was going for it for a bit, but we spent a couple of hours doing a risk assessment and then went to sleep. So, no we never actually did anything, but I do have a list of safety issues inherent in bending someone over the Thanix cannon, some safety engineering solutions to implement for some of them and a system of work which addresses the rest."  
"Doing risk assessments counted as blowing off steam for Sheppard."  
Javik wordlessly held up his omnitool, showing a photograph of a document apparently written on a wall in humous titled, in rather wobbly letters "Be8t praticse foor dRunk3n 0Ne nigsht standds."  
"Shepard kissed (gasp) me once. We were discussing long (gasp)-term financial planing. When on the citadel, (gasp) Shepard always made time to come and (gasp) talk about harmonisation between differing legislative (gasp) frameworks. Their insight was (gasp) extraordinary. I (gasp) still catch myself (gasp) making notes on the galactic agreement on (gasp) tariffs and trade to discuss with (gasp) the commander."   
"I'm glad I'm not the only one who had no idea what the commander's deal with sex was. Seriously, did anyone understand that shit? I can totally believe that all of you are such a bunch of pussies that I'm the only one who calls fucking "fucking" though."


End file.
